I feel like I have to conform... =P

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

I have been extremely busy since the beginning of June. I've been working a lot, which is good and bad at the same time. Money's good, but getting extremely tired from a messed up sleeping schedule is not. I've been getting up at 6:30 A.M all week because I've been so used to it. Luckily this week is very few hours as compared to last week, when I had at least 30.

For the first time in a long time, I did a lot of writing in my novel, as my brother would say. I think it's very possible I may finish it this summer, though I've been laying off lately because I'm so tired. I finished La Revolution Francaise, still don't love it, but there were some parts I found humorous.

Besides hanging out with friends and getting into random adventures that I never pictured myself on, I went to Marshfield this weekend on the Cape. I have never seen so many illegal fireworks in my life, and I am very sick of them. I want no more until next year. The ocean was wicked nice, but I, as usual, was the only one to go in and not jump out because of how cold it was. It was NOT that cold, but I did get very sunburned since my friend's family finds it necessary to sit on the beach for the entire day. The cottage we stayed at was more like a tavern, full of at least 10 adults, 3 children, 2 teenagers, a dog, and plenty of drinks and lack of beds. I woke up the first morning to random people sleeping on the kitchen floor. It was very strange, but all in all, it was a fun experience. The weather was actually very nice.

Now I have to send a ton of forms back to Framingham so my payments aren't late, and they don't raise interest. I can't stand how every form has to be filled out every year. It's ridiculous. I have to fill out that terrible FAFSA again, which I definitely don't want to do. This month has been great since I don't have the time to get depressed. The rain didn't even really get me down that much. I hardly noticed it.

That Monday overnight never gets any easier. I napped about three times today, mostly because being exhausted just makes me want to eat 24/7 and that would not be right considering all the exercise I'm doing. As my brother said, my brain was on "safe mode" today where it would only provide the necessary functions to live rather than carry on a coherent conversation. I'll probably go to the gym tomorrow to make up for my hedonistic eating habits.

That summer class was cancelled as I feared, but I did get my money back a couple of days ago, finally. Next year, I'm just going to sign up for one in Boston, because I have more faith that will happen.

I've been watching La Revolution Francaise since Rose of Versailles ended, and I don't really even like it that much, but it's something to pass the time. I have plenty of work, but none that is particularly enjoyable. This one I have to do is very stubborn and difficult, but I guess that comes with the territory. I'm reading Dumas's "Man in the Iron Mask," and I really did forget how much I loved him. I couldn't stop reading the first chapters because he is such a master storyteller. It's about time I read something fun rather than one of my factual books. I'd have to say I'm living pretty well with the pool and all, but I'm still unbearably bored. I'm tired, hungry, and cranky, but I don't think that overnight should be lasting much longer. I still manage to get up for All My Children, because I'm a loser, and last night I watched the entire Sound of Music, which I usually never do. I love Captain Von Trapp =D.

I really have to stop biting my fingernails. That's becoming a nuissance.

I just worked 35 hours in three days, which is good for money on one hand, and bad health wise. I didn't get to sleep at all Monday night, because I did an overnight, but there were some interesting shows on T.V. I especially love the 3:00 A.M sex commercials. Good news is I've done some good revision and additions to one of my stories. I hauled myself out of bed today to eat (which I hadn't done for 24 hours), watch All My Children, and go to the gym, where I felt like I was going to pass out, so I stopped the treadmill. I mean, it's probably good I have something to do, but the summer blues are kicking in fast, and it's not even June. I'm in big trouble. I've already dove into feelings of self-loathing. The only thing that's been really fun is our great Spruce Pond visits! =) Everyone indulged in them is totally awesome! I can't wait until the weather gets hot enough to go to the beach. I can't swim this week because of the rain, so... I guess it's the gym for something productive to do. I've grown to love Henry David Thoreau as I read his book "Walden." He is amazing. His ideas are everything I believe, and I do think I might like him even more than Rousseau, but I still plan to go to the convention in 2012! =P I guess it's not horrible that the class was cancelled, but they have yet to give me my money back! >=( If I don't have it next week, I'm calling.

I've come around to Adam Chandler's way of thinking: One has to make life happen instead of sitting around hoping it will all turn out all right. I can't be JR.

I'm finally signed up for that summer class. I just hope enough people take it so that they have it. I'm looking forward to it, though it is history of sexuality, something many people would not picture me taking. I'm taking it partially because I like the teacher, and also because I hate the crusades, which was the other 300 level available. It's three nights a week, so that should keep me busy for a month.

I have a job tomorrow and in a couple of weeks, both of which don't interfere with my class luckily. The job certainly isn't exciting, but it's something to do, and I get paid for it. Just sitting with the elderly isn't that difficult, so I'm grateful for it.

The only thing keeping me busy is watching the Shield with my brother and All My Children, which should be really good today! I'm excited. haha.

I read the Snow Palace, which I've been wanting for months, only in an hour because it was so short. lol. It was great. It was a little freaky with Stanislawa's father, but other than that, it was very entertaining and satisfying. Now I'm reading Glass, which is pretty good as well. I finished the Rose of Versailles. I can't say the ending, but I felt like crying. ='(

I also have to change my bank to Rockland Trust, which I am not thrilled about. I'll probably do that tomorrow, since I have laundry to do today.

I am already bored since classes officially ended! =O I do have finals Wed. and Thurs. but other than that, I have nothing to do since this weekend is not really good enough to swim. The summer class that I want to take starts the 20th, so hopefully that will be here sooner than I think, and hopefully I will start working fairly soon. Good news is I have all my stuff unpacked in my room and only a couple of big things to get out of my dorm this week. I haven't heard about housing placements for next semester. Hopefully that will be coming soon. I guess I'm very hopeful lately.

I've been watching The Rose of Versailles to pass the time. It's really good, and I recommend it. Just make sure you know the real history of the French Revolution so you are not fooled by its blatant historical inaccuracies. There are probably few of us who would know those problems anyway. =P

I am very glad to be home because my routine at school was getting monotonous. Four months of summer will be a very long time, but if I take that class and do my other stuff, it should pass by pretty quickly. I tend to get depressed in summer because there is nothing to do, but I'm going to keep myself as busy as possible from now on. This entry is one of those busy tasks. I'm not writing in here because I have anything to say, but rather, because I need something to do. Hopefully you're just as bored and this reading is taking up some of your God-forsaken time. If not, I apologize. Good bye.

I am writing this from my old computer, Cartateer, which is now completely fixed! It even has sound and everything! I am so happy that my cursor doesn't randomy move on the keyboard now like it does on my laptop! YAYAYA! (I don't know what that's supposed to mean, haha)

Only one more week to bear of school, then two finals the next week. I only have a few papers to hand in this week. They should be pretty easy. I'm making them out to be more than they are in my mind. I like college and all, but I really want some time off.

Being the strange people that we are, my dad opened the pool today! Yay! It's going to be a hot weekend, so I cannot wait to swim! I've missed it so much. You can probably tell from my exclaimation points and my random outbursts of happiness that I am in a fairly good mood! Wee!

I've missed Cartateer so much. You have no idea how happy I am! I will never mess with it again to the point where it is in ruins!!! =)

I have had a complete identity crisis lately. I'm always looking for some kind of perfection, but I no longer know exactly what that is. Unfortunately, grades don't really interest me anymore. I'm still doing very well, but only through inertia. It's really only because it's something I'm so used to. I don't know what it is that is going to make me happy. I mean, it is possible that more friends could help, but that is doubtful. I don't know what I believe or what is going to fill this strange void of faith and belief that I have inside of me. There was a time when I thought reason could fill that, but it has proved woefully unsuccessful. I know I can't put into good words what it is that I am feeling, but I'm doing the best I can. The people I know and talk to are very sufficient, but it is myself I am not happy with. I feel empty, unknowledgable (that's probably not a word.. cailtin? lol), and worthless. I do not like to feel this way. I like to know what it is I'm waiting to do in life, but there isn't anything coming to mind. On the surface, I am relatively happy. I have everything I could want, but underneath, there is still this nagging. It's not that strange guilty feeling I used to get, but something else. I feel like there is something crucial that I have forgotten.

I have come up with some principles I know I want to live by: chastity, education, adventure, and responsibility. These things no one can take away, not even myself. I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore. I just had to get this out on a page.

Searching
For life’s perfection
My own perfection
That in nature exists.
Looking
For excellence
For virtuous motives
For all that is right.
Grasping
At purity in time
Forever
Despite other’s lack of.
Clutching
At straws of hope
That ones will
Treasure these rarities.
Wandering
Over space and time
Wishing
It was there.
Believing
Perfection can be reached
Even though
No angle is straight.
Yearning
To be better
To be right
To be great.
Hoping
It will be me
Fortune receives
And I will be
Wonderful.

I went away to Texas this week for vacation, which was good because I got my mind off of so many things, and bad because the food is absolutely terrible.

In each airport run, I was stopped at almost every gate. I'm convinced I must have a very sneaky and impersonable look (though that would explain a lot). We always act like hicks every time we enter an airport, but I guess it makes for some excitement.

We went out to eat that night with everybody, despite how tired my mother and I were. We went to a disgusting buffee, but it was all right when my cousins started telling riddles. We then went to my older cousin's new house which is like a palace (but a very fake one because Texas has such terrible craftmanship), and that was a fun time. I got to talk to my cousins for a while which I haven't been able to do mentally for a long time. I think I'm finally getting over my growing up. Thank God.

I got my interviews done for expository writing, and they turned out very good. The only problem is I have no idea how I am going to answer the question.

We went to a rodeo, and it was very fun. I've never been to anything like that, but I really enjoyed it. It was different, and it actually made me appreciate what those athletes do for too little money. The best part was the Keith Urban concert after. I had no idea what a great guitar player he is! It was wicked good.

A lot of the area was broken down from Hurricane Ike six months ago, but they're making a lot of progress. The tourist areas were pretty crowded for spring break. I had no idea how many people actually go to Galveston for spring break. It was weird.

I had to clean my room when I got back because I destroyed it looking for sandals before I left. I didn't find them until today.

I really don't want to go back to school just yet, but I can't wait to see people and exercise again. I am so glad I'm back to New England cooking and coffee. No wonder Texans are so slow! They don't drink any caffeine!!